“I’ll never forgive him– NEVER.” Cesarean Trauma, Twice Over
Listen to this birth story
Trigger Warning: this post features birth trauma, C-section trauma and obstetric violence (OV)
The first time I heard this story, the tears would not stop flowing. This mother’s experience of suffering from obstetric violence just enrages me to my core, and reminds me of why I am doing this birth story project.
I believe that birth storytelling is an act of feminist resistance, and I hope that if you are one of the hundreds of thousands of women who experience c-section trauma in the United States each year, you hear this and know that you are not alone in your experience. No one deserves to be coerced, manipulated or pressured into having an unnecessary cesarean.
The following transcription has been edited slightly for clarity. For the courageous woman who shares her stories below: thank you from the bottom of my heart; I honor you and your resilience. May your story inspire change.
Birth Story #1: Induced and then Pressured into a Cesarean
I had my first child two weeks before I turned 19 and if I could go back and do parts of this again, I wouldn't have asked for an induction.
I asked for an induction at 38 weeks because I was very, very uncomfortable. I have a congenital hip deformity and the pressure of her being low in my pelvis made it very hard to walk.
So at 38 weeks, I went in for an induction. I went in on the late evening on the 14th and I had her the 15th at 5:52 p.m. So not even a full day later.
We're in [the hospital] and they started with a capsule to soften my cervix and they had me walk around for about two hours and then they started me on the Pitocin. After about four hours of Pitocin, I asked for my epidural. The epidural made me so comfortable that I just fell asleep and I was completely asleep for most of the day.
“I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that an induction, especially with the first pregnancy can take a lot longer. And I wish that information had been more readily available to me.”
They came in and checked me periodically and I wasn't progressing much. I think I ultimately ended up at like four centimeters.
And, I didn't know any better. I didn't know that an induction, especially with the first pregnancy can take a lot longer.
And I wish that information had been more readily available to me because after a while of me not progressing much, my doctor came in.
I want to add, he was the only doctor that was on staff that night; it was a very slow night. It was me and one other woman who was [in labor] on the floor that night.
Every time the nurses came in, they were talking about the fact that it was such a slow night saying “we never have nights that are the slow. There's only two of you guys here.”
I think the reason that [a cesarean] was suggested was so that my doctor could go home. You know, I will never forgive him, never.
So he suggested the C-section and I was young and naive and I agreed to it. I was excited to meet my daughter and I didn't have any baseline for knowing that this was the typical length of time for how long, an induction for a first-time mom should take.
So, I agreed to it. And if I could go back, I would never, I never would have agreed to it.
I would have told him “you need to let me labor. The baby isn't in distress. I'm not in distress. Just let me labor.” And I really wish I could go back and tell myself that.
“So, I agreed to it. And if I could go back, I never would haven’t. I would have told him “you need to let me labor. The baby isn’t in distress. I’m not in distress. Just let me labor.” ”
So he took me back for the C-section wing and you know, I had already had the epidural so they put me on the table and when you have a C-section you're strapped down on the table.
So I was strapped down and they start cutting.
And I'm telling them “Ow, it hurts.”
It shouldn't hurt like that.
And he kept telling me “It's just pressure. You're okay. It's only pressure.” And he kept going.
And I started screaming and crying because it hurt. It was not pressure, it was pain. I could feel everything. And he kept going and I kept screaming and crying.
My daughter's grandma was there and while I was having the C-section, she could hear me from the waiting room which is behind like three sets of doors from where the operating room that was. So she could hear me through several hallways screaming and crying.
My now-ex got very freaked out and he was yelling at [the medical staff] saying “why are you guys still going? She's obviously in pain. You guys need to stop,” and he was asked to leave.
So they kept going and I was screaming and crying. Eventually, I started puking because I was in so much pain.
Then they got her out and I remember looking at her for just a little bit. I remember me crying so badly that I couldn't hear her cry. So I didn't hear her first cry.
She got brought out to her dad and they took me back to the room and I was just crying. And I was asking like “why didn't you stop? I am in so much pain, why didn't you stop?”
And my doctor said that I was being dramatic, that it was just pressure. That I wouldn’t have felt pain.
For a long time, I really battled with that idea of whether I was just being dramatic, but I don't think I was at all. I was in so much pain. I still have nightmares about it.
“For a long time, I really battled with that idea of whether I was just being dramatic, but I don’t think I was at all. I was in so much pain. I still have nightmares about it. ”
My daughter; she’ll be 13 this year and I still cry about it. I can barely talk about it without crying. And I was the last one to hold her because I was so disoriented and scared. I was shaking so badly.
Birth Story #2: Hoping for a VBAC
For a long time because of [my first birth], I didn't think I'd want another child. But I did have another child… eventually, I had my son. Me and my husband decided that we wanted one more child and so we had him.
I got a completely different doctor and they were very, very supportive of trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). They let me know that cesarean was possible but that they would do everything to support me for a VBAC.
And I did all the Old Wive’s Tales. I did a ton of pineapple. I did dates. I did evening-primrose oil, I walked a ton. I actually walked like eight miles the night before I went into labor with my son.
I went in a spontaneous labor with him at 38 weeks and I labored at home for a little bit and then my husband took me to the hospital.
As I walked into the hospital, my water broke all over the floor. The janitor was mopping so that was kind of funny. Shortly after I got to the hospital, they gave me my epidural and I fell asleep and relaxed and slept most of the day and then it came time to push.
I made it to the ten centimeters and I pushed. I pushed with him for three and half hours, and he just was not coming down. He was a very big boy at eight pounds, ten ounces, and I've got a petite frame.
So he did not come down and my doctor was actually not there that night. It was the doctor on call, and he did not know all the trauma involving my last C-section. But he suggested a C-section and immediately I started crying.
I was trying to explain it but I could barely get the words out. I could barely get the words out about what had happened last time. I needed them to make sure that didn't happen to me again.
My husband eventually took over and started explaining what had happened last time and the doctor told me he would work with me to make sure that it would be okay.
So they wheeled me back and my husband's out there, out in the other area, like, getting gowned up. He was getting his scrubs and the hat on over his head while they start testing my skin to see if I'm feeling sensation.
And every time they test, I can still feel what’s happening. So they keep pushing doses of epidural and I still feel it each time.
So eventually the doctor turns to me and says, “we have no choice but to put you under, you'll see your baby when you wake up.”
And I remember last thing I said was like, “please, please don't do that.”
And then I woke up three hours later. I woke up and my husband was holding my son and I was devastated. I was so devastated that I didn't get to see him being born.
“And I remember last thing I said was like, “please don’t do that.”
And then I woke up three hours later. I woke up and my husband was holding my son and I was devastated. ”
And that still really bothers me that I didn't see his first moments– that I didn't get to hold him until he was much older. Because even after I woke up, I still wasn't coherent enough to hold him, so I didn't hold him for quite a while.
My husband held [my son] to me to breastfeed after we got back to the room so that I could [experience that] within the first few hours of birth, but I was devastated. I'm still very devastated.
And my husband was actually very upset as well not just because I was upset, but because he didn’t get to see our son born either. When I got put all the way under, they didn't [allow] him go back (to see our son being born). It was probably for safety reasons; I'm not exactly sure why. But, he also didn't get to see his child being born. He's always been a father to my daughter, but he wasn't there when she was born and I wanted him to have that experience of my son being born.
So, both of my my experiences were very devastating on different levels.
The first one being so run over and like, made fun of.
And I still question now, like why did nobody stop? Why didn't the anesthesiologist try and give me something else? Why didn't my doctor stop as I was screaming and crying asking for them to stop? And why didn't the nurses or anybody else intervene?
I know that I was young and I think that they took advantage of that in trying to make decisions for me for their convenience.
And then for the second [birth], it’s the devastation of feeling like my body had failed me. I know that I did what I could but it's still, it's very traumatizing. My daughter is going to be 13 this year and I still have nightmares about her birth.
And, you know, since I've actually started looking on Tik Tok, I've seen other women have the same experience, which makes me feel less alone in that. But, it devastates me even more to know that other women have had this experience.
With how long our world has been doing C-sections, I would think that there would be a better way less less traumatic way.
One thing I forgot to include was that with my son, because they had tried to give me so many doses of epidural (when I was feeling everything prior to my C-section), my legs actually didn't work for about a day after.
Typically after C-sections they try and get you walking within a couple hours but I didn't walk after my son [was born] until the next day. They were actually starting to get pretty worried because my reflexes weren’t working. Nothing was working. So they were actually really worried about my ability to walk.
So those two experiences made it so that I said ‘for sure I'm never having another child because I cannot physically go through them again. I don't think I could tolerate any more.’
I think ultimately, what I would tell anybody going in is make sure that you research what labor should be, and what a lot of the scenarios are and, and don't let your doctor talk you into to a C-section if you're not comfortable, you know,
I should have been allowed to labor longer, and ultimately be having that first C-section, I think set me up for failure for my VBAC.
Keep in touch
C-Section Resources and References
WHO Statement on Caesarean Section Rates
The World Health Organization suggest that between 10 to 15 percent of C-sections are medically necessary and yet in the U.S. our rate is more than double that at 31.7% of babies delivered via c-section in 2020.
For context in the 1970s, only 5% of babies were delivered via cesarean. The cesarean delivery rate has been steadily increasing since the 1990s, when it was around 20%, and peaked at 32.9% in 2009 and 2011.
Based on this data that means that nearly 550,000 babies in the United States are unnecessarily delivered by c-section each year, in fact cesareans are our most common surgery in the U.S.
The Rise of the Unnecessary C-Section
This amazing mini documentary was produced in 2014 (nine years ago), and since then the only thing that has changed is that our maternal mortality rate has gotten significantly worse.
5 Ways to Lower Risk of a Cesarean Section
Select Your Care Provider Wisely
Get Educated About Labor and Birth (I recommend the Bradley Method)
Avoid Induction of Labor
Use Medications and Interventions Wisely
Bring Support for Labor
Parting Thoughts
I want to recognize the value and medical necessity of Cesarean sections. I recently read an incredible book simply called Birth by Tina Cassidy which provides a historical and cultural exploration of the experience of childbirth, from ancient times to modern medical advancements, and its impact on women's lives.
In it Cassidy describes the techniques used prior to cesarean procedures including in great detail the ways in which women died during childbirth, the horrors of forceps and other instruments and manual techniques used to deliver breech or difficult to birth babies.
Before the advent of modern obstetrics, maternal mortality rates were high due to complications such as obstructed labor, hemorrhage, and infection. In the 19th century, for example, maternal mortality rates in Europe ranged from 3% to 7% of all births, while in some areas of Africa and Asia, the rates were as high as 50%. (Although Ugandan midwives were safely delivering babies via c-section in the 1800s).
It is a great privilege and we're fortunate to we have the option to deliver via cesarean sections today.
Finally, everyone should have the autonomy over their medical choices. I want to recognize the women and birthing people who choose to deliver via Cesarean for their own personal reasons. I honor you, I respect your choices and I trust that you are capable and making the choice to deliver specific to your family and personal needs.
About Birthtok
Birthtok is a birth storytelling community for hope and healing.
We are on a mission to demystify birth, create community around hope and healing, and discuss ideas around how we can improve birth in the U.S.
Send us your birth story voicemail in all its raw and unfiltered glory!
📞 Record your birth story here (totally anonymously if you wish).
💌 Email: mani@shoutyourbirth.com
👍 Follow us on Instagram and Tik Tok
🎙 Support on Patreon
